The True Adventures of A Five Year Old
by LaTrabrasera
Summary: This is the first of a series of one shots featuring a child named Shia. Shia is a real child and the events that take place did happen. We just took a little artistic license and filled it in. If it made you laugh, it happened.


The True Adventures of a Five Year Old

Sub-Title: You're the one who wanted a daughter…

Rated: PG

A/N: This is the first of a series of one shots featuring a child named Shia. Shia is a real child and the events that take place did happen. We just took a little artistic license and filled it in. If it made you laugh, it happened.

It was dinner time in the Webber/Morgan household. And as usual it was a quiet, uneventful evening.

"Mommy, Daddy, what's a vagina?"

Jason spit out his water as he looked over at Liz.

Liz just shrugged as she cast a glance at him.

"The vagina is part of your lady business."

Jason looked a bit shocked.

"Well, she didn't ask me what a penis was…"

Shia opened her mouth.

"Don't ask me," Liz said, smirking at her husband. "I don't have one."

"Daddy, what's a penis?" Shia asked, full of youthful exuberance.

Jason hemmed and sighed until he finally said, "Finish your hotdog."

Liz snorted.

"Don't you start," Jason said, giving Liz an irritable look.

"But I need water…" the little girl whined.

Liz smiled after swallowing her bite of food.

"Then get up and get a bottle. You know where they are."

Shia cast the puppy eyes at her.

"Will you get it for me? Please, Mommy…"

"No, I'm 'Mommy' not 'maid'. I realize they both start with 'm' and that might confuse you, but they are not one in the same."

Shia turned to look at her father.

"What did she just say?"

"She said 'get it yourself'."

The little girl looked puzzled.

"That's not what it sounded like she said."

Jason sighed.

"Well, that's what it boiled down to."

"Why didn't she-"

Jason cut her off as Liz started laughing.

"Just go get a bottle of water."

Shia turned to her mother.

"But you birthed me, you're supposed to do things for me."

Liz shook her head.

"I birthed you to be independent. So, if you're thirsty…"

"But you tell me what to do," Shia shot back.

"And I'm telling you to get a bottle of water," Liz said grinning widely.

"Please?" Shia asked, fluttering the lashes.

"No."

"Daddy, will you get me-"

"No, but you are completely welcome to get up and do it yourself."

"Fine," the girl said as she stood and headed for the kitchen.

2 minutes later.

"Shia, maybe you shouldn't drink the water so fast," Liz said as her daughter chugged.

"Why?" ~gulp, gulp, gulp~

Liz cringed at the inevitable future.

"Might make your belly hurt."

"No, I'm good," Shia said saucily, "I got this."

Jason raised an eyebrow.

"Too much TV," Liz said, "Damn Wizards of Waverly Place."

"But that Alex," Jason said, "She's just funny."

"Okay, Daddy, no more Disney for you," Liz said, sipping her own water.

"I only watch it with Shia."

"But I got up yesterday and you were in the living room and you were watching in on Net-" Shia rambled, until her father cut her off.

"Anybody can click the wrong-"

"Right, Jason, I'm just going to let you have your fantasy that you don't enjoy Wizards of Waverly Place."

Shia's face fell.

"Mommy, my tummy hurts…"

Liz looked at Jason as if to say, 'Didn't I tell you?'

"I told you not to drink the water so fast."

Shia rolled her eyes. Liz gave her a sharp glance and the girl looked to the side.

"It's not the water. I think the hotdog was bad."

Jason sighed this time.

"It is not the 'Nathan's'."

"If I had chili on my hotdog like you guys did…"

"Maybe you should just go sit on the potty and see if that helps."

"I don't need to poop," Shia said. "I'd know if I needed to poop."

"Just humor your mother, kid," Jason said.

"Fine," Shia huffed.

After about 30 seconds they could hear Shia singing.

"One night only! One night only! Come on, big baby, come on! One night only…"

Liz cracked up and looked over at Jason.

"So, is that the Beyonce or Jennifer Hudson version?"

Jason smirked.

"From the tempo, I'd say Beyonce. I rue the day you made me watch Dreamgirls…"

"Yeah, just like you hate the Disney channel. And you know Dreamgirls was payback for making me watch Mamma Mia."

Jason's eyes went wide.

"I thought it was about an Italian family from the Old World."

Liz's eyes narrowed.

"You knew it was a musical based on Abba music," she hissed, then grinned.

Jason cut his eyes to the side.

"Anyway, from the soul in her voice, I'm voting for the Jennifer version," Liz said.

Jason smiled back at his wife.

"I'm pretty sure all that 'soul' is her working out her digestive tract."

"Gross…"

"You're a nurse," he said.

"Still gross…"

Shortly thereafter there was more noise from the bathroom.

"ACCORDING TO THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE PEOPLE!"

"What?" Jason said.

"Who are the 'mole people'?" Liz asked.

"I thought you knew…"

Then they heard…

"THEY'RE FROM MY 'MAGINATION!"

"Okay, you can stop yelling now," Liz said.

"ACCORDING TO MY WATCH IT IS TIME TO PAR-TAY!"

"Seriously," Jason said, "does she do this every time she has to poo?"

Liz had to catch her breath from the fit of laughter.

"Pretty… pretty much," she said, gulping air. "The themes vary, and the songs, but it's always loud and you always know what's going on."

"Mommy!"

They looked at each other.

"She said 'Mommy'."

"Wuss."

"She still said 'Mommy'."

"Yes?" Liz called.

"Come 'ere," Shia said.

"Why, Shia? Why do I need to 'come 'ere'?" Liz asked shaking her head.

"Cuz you were right…"

"Duh," Liz breathed and then spoke aloud. "I really don't need to see it."

"Mommy!"

Jason just sat back in his chair and laughed.

"Really, Shia? I need to see this?"

"Mommy!"

Liz hauled herself up and reluctantly opened the bathroom door.

"Great, now flush."

"And wash your hands," Jason called.


End file.
